Die Sache mit der Unzufriedenheit & was Social Media damit zutun hat… #Gedankenkarussell

Es ist Sonntag, 11:25 in Hamburg Winterhude. Vor 2 Stunden habe ich noch witzige Snaps mit meinem Kater auf Snapchat aufgenommen und jetzt, just in diesem Moment, überkommt mich die Traurigkeit und Verzweiflung…

In meinem Kopf geht das Gedankenkarussell los. Dieses miese „Was ist, wenn all deine Bemühungen wieder gesund zu werden umsonst waren und du es am Ende doch nicht packst“ Gefühl… Es ärgert mich, denn ich will genau diese Art von Gedanken nicht haben. Zu 95% gelingt es mir auch, diese Art von bösen Gedanken nicht zuzulassen und mich an all das Gute was ich habe zu besinnen, trotzdem kommen sie manchmal durch, diese fiesen Gedanken die mich von ein auf den anderen Moment schwach und traurig machen.

Und weil genau jetzt so ein Moment ist und ich gerade weinend, die Zimmerdecke im Schlafzimmer anstarre, dachte ich mir, dass es vielleicht hilft dem Frust freien lauf zu lassen, mir mein Macbook zu schnappen und einfach genau das niederzuschreiben was mir in diesem Moment durch den Kopf schießt. Ich habe diese Gefühle schon lange. Auch schon vor meiner Diagnose habe ich häufig „generelle Unzufriedenheit“ gespürt. Noch nie so stark ausgeprägt wie heute, aber es war schon immer da. Ich habe mich gefragt wo diese innere Unruhe herkommt und nie den Auslöser gefunden – bis vor 5 Minuten als mir, dem Selbstmitleid verfallen, auffiel, dass es unter anderem mein täglicher Konsum von Social Media ist, der mich innerlich fertig macht und ungewollt unter Druck setzt.

Gefühlt JEDER, dem ich folge hat ein spannenderes, erfüllteres Leben als ich. Ich sehe lauter Menschen die viel Sport machen und daraus resultierend schöne, sportliche Körper haben – dieser Zug ist für mich auf unbestimmte Zeit sowas von abgefahren und das ist beispielsweise schonmal eine Sache, die mich völlig fertig macht. Die meiste Zeit meines Lebens war ich unzufrieden mit meinem Körper. Bis ich 2014 mit gesunder Ernährung und Kraftsport anfing. Die Erfolge kamen schnell und innerhalb von 2 Jahren verlor ich 30 Kilo. Für mich ein riesen Erfolg – endlich fühlte ich mich in meinem Körper wohl. Bis Januar 2017 konnte ich meine Figur (bis auf ein paar extra Pfunde aus dem Italienurlaub 2016 mal abgesehen) halten und worauf ich bis dato super stolz war. Schaue ich mich heute im Spiegel an, finde ich mich hässlich. Ich sehe eine große glatzköpfige Frau mit Doppelkinn und Hängebauch (und bald nur noch einer Brust). Keine Spur von meinen geliebten Muskeln… Kein Wunder, dass ich nach dem Duschen möglichst schnell und ohne in einen Spiegel zu schauen ins Schlafzimmer husche und mich in Leggings und Schlabberpulli verhülle #Kortisonlässtgrüßen.

Zu wissen, dass ich mit ziemlicher Wahrscheinlichkeit nie wieder so „gut“ aussehen werde wie zu meinen Bestzeiten und dass ich mir auch das Pumpen im Gym aufgrund meiner Knochenmetastasen abschmieren kann, ist für mich persönlich so ziemlich das schlimmste was mir passieren kann. Denn das empfinden von Glück und mit sich im Reinen sein, basiert doch in erster Linie darauf sich wohlzufühlen. Nach vielen Jahren innerer Unzufriedenheit, habe ich für mich rausgefunden, dass der Sport und somit die körperliche, positive Veränderung mich vor allem GEISTIG verändert hat und der Sport für mich wirklich die allerbeste Therapie ist um die Basis des Glücklichseins, aufrecht zu erhalten und eine innere Ausgeglichenheit zu schaffen. Jetzt, wo dieser Teil schon seit Januar nicht mehr existiert und auch auf unbestimmte Zeit wegbricht, könnt ihr euch vielleicht ungefähr vorstellen wie ich mich fühle.

Ich glaube ich leide unter akuter Freundinnen-Vermisseritis

Ich öffne Instagram, durchstöbere Insta-Stories und Snapchat und sehe – mal wieder – Menschen die, wie oben ausführlich beschrieben, zum Sport gehen, Menschen die sich mit guten Freunden treffen, Café Dates in der Sonne genießen oder große Grillparties geben. Ich sehe Menschen die ihre Zeit mit kleinen, süßen (und auch oft anstrengenden) Babies verbringen und ich sehe Menschen die im Urlaub sind und es sich einfach gut gehen lassen. Zusammengefasst: mein Handy ist voll von glücklichen Menschen die ihr Leben in den sozialen Medien teilen und die mich damit ganz einfach auf einer Art „neidisch“ machen und mein Fruststrationslevel in die Höhe schießen lassen. Dass ich mir das eingestehen würde und auch noch laut aussprechen könnte, hätte ich niemals gedacht, da es eigentlich ziemlich erbärmlich ist andere Menschen um etwas zu „beneiden“ was man theoretisch selbst auch haben kann. Das Problem ist nur, meine 3 besten Freundinnen leben nicht in Hamburg. Wir sehen uns vielleicht alle 6-8 Wochen am Wochenende. Im Verhältnis zu früher, wo wir noch alle in einer Stadt gelebt haben und uns bestimmt 3 x die Woche trafen, ist das absolut niederschmetternd. Neben dem akuten Sportmangel, ist mein akuter beste Freundinnenmangel auch sehr stark ausgeprägt. Da helfen auch WhatsApp und Co nicht… Ich hoffe, dass wir das in Zukunft irgendwie besser managen können. Ich liebe meine 3 Ladies so sehr. Danke, dass es euch gibt. Die Vermissung ist groß. Immer.

Der Grund hierfür ist ganz klar. Während mein Leben seit Januar irgendwie stehen geblieben ist und sich bei mir alles um Untersuchungen und Gesund werden dreht, gehen deren Leben normal weiter. Jobs, Partnerschaften, sich um die wesentlichen Dinge kümmern – das was vor der Diagnose auch bei mir ganz normal war. Im Endeffekt will ich damit sagen, dass sich mein Leben vorher um genau die selben banalen Alltagsdinge gedreht hat, während ich jetzt wöchentlich zur Laborkontrolle und anderen Untersuchungen muss, die Chemotherapie über mich ergehen lasse und die meiste Zeit Zuhause, gelangweilt auf dem Sofa sitze, wartend, dass sich irgendetwas tut. Und während ich das alles hier schreibe wird mir klar: ich will doch einfach nur mein altes Leben zurück…

Zurück zur Realität

Manche würden sagen „Kim, mach doch mal einen #DigitalDetox und pack dein Handy weg“, aber das will ich gar nicht. Ich will nicht vor glücklichen Menschen flüchten, nur weil bei mir gerade kein Friede Freude Eierkuchen ist. Zudem ist mir natürlich klar, dass vieles was da draußen gezeigt wird, mehr Schein als sein darstellt und nicht alles Gold ist was glänzt – niemand (oder sagen wir wenige Leute) zeigt seine dunklen und schwachen Momente, eigentlich ganz schön traurig, oder?

Gerade klingelte mein Handy. Es war meine Freundin aus der Nachbarschaft, die mich um 14 Uhr zu einem Spaziergang durch den Stadtpark abholt. Ein bisschen Vitamin D tanken und quatschen. Einfach von diesem ganzen Krebs-Mist ablenken und für einen kurzen Moment so tun als sei alles in Ordnung. Aber vielleicht ist bis auf meine Erkrankung auch wirklich alles in Ordnung und ich habe einfach nur mal wieder einen schlechten Tag. Manchmal ist es okay sich dreckig zu fühlen. Ob gestresste Mami, Vollzeitstudent, schwer krank oder auch einfach nur genervt von der Arbeit – es ist okay das Leben auch einfach mal nur scheisse zu finden. Solange wir uns immer wieder hochziehen und bewusst werden, dass wir nur dieses eine haben. Ich kämpfe, du kämpfst, wir kämpfen. Denn aufgeben ist keine Option.

Kim

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211 Comments

  1. Verena
    7. Mai 2017 / 14:06

    Ich mag deine erzlichen Texte! Du bringst so vieles auf den Punkt und es ist fast allen Fällen auf so viele unterschiedliche Leben zu übertragen. Ich sende dir ganz viel Kraft für alles was vor dir liegt! Liebste Grüße aus Barmbek, Verena

  2. 7. Mai 2017 / 14:15

    Ein richtig schöner Post. Ich finde es toll dass du es mal so ehrlich aussprichst. Ich denke es geht vielen Menschen so dass sie durch Social Media das Gefühk bekommen ihr Leben ist weniger aufregend etc. dabei ist soviel von dem was wir da sehen ja eh nicht echt. Ich hoffe du fühlst dich bald wieder etwas besser. xxx

  3. luuse
    7. Mai 2017 / 16:21

    Danke für deine gnadenlose Ehrlichkeit, das erfordert soviel Mut ….
    Ich hoffe du sammelst heute noch schöne Momente …

  4. Janine
    7. Mai 2017 / 18:55

    Wow Kim! Dein Beitrag ist so toll geschrieben. Deine Worte sprechen mir aus der Seele & auch ich habe vor einiger Zeit festgestellt das meine Unzufriedenheit sehr auf die Socialmedia Welt zurückzuführen ist. Instagram und Co präsentieren uns zum größten Teil nur das schöne, tolle, glückliche & unbeschwerte Leben. Das ist nicht das Real-Live, es sind Momentaufnahme eines Tages. Eigentlich ist es nicht mehr als das aber doch interpretiert man soviel hinein.
    Beängstigend ist, das wir (Personen in den 30er Jahren /oder jünger) das noch ganz gut verstehen & einschätzen!Aber was ist mit den Teenies etc. ?Es beängstigt mich! Ihnen wird ein völlig falsches Bild des Lebens vermittelt.
    Umso mehr erfreue ich mich daran, das Personen wie du, solch offene & wahre Worte aussprechen ! Bitte mach weiter wie bisher, du bist eine ganz tolle starke & bewundernswerte Frau!
    Alles liebe, Janine

  5. Grazyna
    7. Mai 2017 / 18:58

    Wow.. Was für ein Post.. Und was für ehrliche und wahre Worte. Die Namensänderung auf ‚kimspiriert‘ passt wie die Faust auf’s Auge. Das hat sich hier nochmal ordentlich bewiesen. Du hast so Recht! Ich wünsche dir noch alles Gute und hoffe, dass dein nächster Tag besser wird. Du stehst das durch, Löwenmütze auf und durch! #kimscrew

  6. Caro
    7. Mai 2017 / 19:20

    Liebe Kim,
    du glaubst gar nicht wie passend deine Worte gerade sind! Mir geht es genauso wie dir…ich durchlebe momentan meine 4.Fehlgeburt und will nicht aufgeben!! Auch wenn es verdankt scheiße und schwer ist und es mir schwer fällt, mich wieder aufzuraffen…. Ich weiß noch nicht wie, aber irgendwie muss es gehen.
    „Ich kämpfe, du kämpfst, wir kämpfen. Denn aufgeben ist keine Option!“
    JA, verdammt!

    • Kim
      7. Mai 2017 / 20:24

      Oh je… das tut mir furchtbar leid für dich.! Ja man, wir kämpfen!😡👊🏼

    • Lotta
      8. Mai 2017 / 23:24

      Ich hab gerade meine zweite Fehlgeburt hinter mir und weiß genau wie es Dir geht. Ich kämpfe mit!

  7. Alexandra
    7. Mai 2017 / 20:52

    Ach Mensch, ich kann das so gut verstehen und nachvollziehen! Ich hatte auch so eine sehr dunkle Zeit in meinem Leben, in welcher ich am liebsten all den anderen ach so glücklichen Menschen gern eine gehauen hätte, so wütend war ich auf sie, aber ja eigentlich bloß auf meine schwierige Situation! Am Ende bleibt dabei nur, sich trotz allem auf sich selbst zu konzentrieren und wieder zu entdecken, was im eigenen Leben auch schön ist und vor allem drauf zu vertrauen, dass auch wieder bessere Zeiten kommen! Ich wünsche dir ganz, ganz viel Kraft und viel Segen für dich!
    Ganz liebe Grüße
    Alexandra

  8. Ines Jana
    7. Mai 2017 / 23:03

    Liebe Kim, was für schöne und auch traurige Worte, aber sie sind so ehrlich geschrieben , dass ich den Hut vor Dir ziehe. Ich könnte vom Alter Deine Mutter sein und habe auch eine Tochter , die in Hamburg lebt. Aus meiner Erfahrung kann ich Dir sagen , dass das Leben auch für Dich noch viele , schöne Sachen und Dinge bereit hält. Du machst alles richtig, indem Du jetzt erstmal den Kampf um Deine Gesundheit aufgenommen hast. Lass Dich nicht von Instagram und Co. und den vielen schönen Fotos runterziehen. Wir wissen, dass nicht alles Gold ist , was glänzt. Auch wenn ich gerne schöne Sachen, Klamotten, Reisebilder und mein gekochtes Essen poste, habe ich traurige Tage, im Moment zum Beispiel, weil ich letzte Woche meine Mutti beerdigen musste. Aber ich liebe wie Du das Leben. Ich wünsche Dir weiter viel Kraft und mal ganz ehrlich: Du siehst trotz allem wunderschön aus.

  9. Steffi
    8. Mai 2017 / 10:48

    Wow Kim! Super Text. Du bringst es einfach immer wieder auf den Punkt! Deine Texte sind so ehrlich und du hast mit allem so Recht! Die sozialen Medien sind heutzutage immer nur auf das „Schöne“ und „Tolle“ ausgerichtet. Es gibt wenige Menschen, die ihre „Probleme“ mit der Aussenwelt teilen. Denn wer will schon zeigen, dass es einem schlecht geht? Man zeigt doch meistens nur das Gute. Du bist toll! Mach weiter so! Und ich weiss du gibst nie auf! Wünsche dir trotz alldem einen tollen Start in die neue Woche!! #FCKCANCER

  10. Anne aus Schenefeld bei HH
    8. Mai 2017 / 20:11

    Liebe Kim,
    erstmal möchte ich Dich ganz lieb virtuell aber von herzen drücken. Ich bin schon etwas älter (45) als Du und habe auch ein „Schicksals-Päckchen“ zu tragen bekommen, was mich schon einige Jahre begleitet und wohl auch noch längere Zeit begleiten wird. Daher traue ich mich jetzt mal was und hoffe, dass Du es verstehst und nicht sauer auf mich wirst.

    Eins erstmal eins vorab: Deine Zecke ist blöd und soll möglichst schnell wieder verschwinden! ABER: kannst Du dem ganzen etwas positives abgewinnen? Hast Du schon mal darüber nachgedacht, dass Dein Körper richtig Alarm geschlagen hat in NY? Bzw ja eigentlich schon vorher? Ich bin mir relativ sicher, dass Du viele Dinge komplett anders siehst als vorher. Dass Du Deine Prioritäten wahrscheinlich anders setzt als vorher. Du hast Dich bestimmt auch ganz schön verändert. Ich behaupte einfach mal, dass es unbedingt zu Deinem Vorteil ist und Dich hat reifen lassen.

    Und zu der Social Media-Unzufriedenheit:

    Ja, ich kann das verstehen, ich habe auch nicht schlecht geschaut, als X und Y ihre Pakete geöffnet haben, ihre Shopping-Beute präsentiert haben, ihre Kooperationen in nette Textchen verpackt haben – ABER: Es macht sie alle nicht zu besseren oder glücklicheren Menschen. Glücklich kann man sich nur selbst machen. Sollen sie doch alle nach Hawaii fahren oder sich mit Luxus Uhren/Möbeln/Klamotten etc. vom wesentlichen ablenken. Ich mach mein eigenes Ding und bin mit dem glücklich, was ich habe. Der Urlaub kann in Pinneberg-Waldenau stattfinden, mein Körper sieht auch nicht mehr taufrisch und gertenschlank aus und meine Klamotten sind nicht komplett hipp. Einer meiner Leitsprüche lautet: Nicht die Glücklichen sind dankbar- es sind die Dankbaren, die glücklich sind. Lass Dich nicht von dem Offensichtlichen blenden, schau hinter die Kulissen. Schau vor allem nach dem, was Dich glücklich macht und dann sorg dafür, dass Du das bekommst! Und leb das aus in vollen Zügen!!!

  11. 9. Mai 2017 / 08:22

    Und weißt du auch, was die anderen denken, wenn sie anders herum News von dir sehen, liebe Kim? Sie sind neidisch auf DICH, weil du so hübsch bist und selbst mit Glatze und Bauch ne Rakete bist, weil deine Augen so strahlen, weil du so einen treuen und verständnisvollen Freund hast, weil du so gut und ehrlich schreiben kannst, weil dein nagelneuer Blog einschlägt wie ne Bombe, weil du so viele Follower hast, weil deine Follower dir so viel tolles Feedback geben, weil deine Freunde so unglaublich rührende Überraschungen für dich veranstalten, wie man es noch selten gesehen hat, weil du dich traust, auch die negativen Seiten deines Lebens öffentlich zu machen, weil du ehrlich zu dir selbst bist. Und vor allem: weil sie fürchten, dass sie selbst im Falle einer Krankheit (die uns alle treffen kann) niemals so stark sein würden wie du!

    • Kim
      11. Mai 2017 / 12:25

      wow – was für ein wunderschöner Kommentar! Dankeschön dafür <3

  12. Lockenköpfchen
    10. Mai 2017 / 21:22

    Liebe Kim:)
    Man sieht auf Social Media doch meistens nur die schönen Ferien oder die sportlichen Erfolge vom jemanden. Dies aus dem einfachen Grund dass normalerweise wenn es einem nicht gut geht dies nicht mit der Aussenwelt teilt. Umso bewundernswerter bist du,dass du so ehrlich bist und das niederschreibst was dir und vielen von uns durch den Kopf geht. Ich habe Hochachtung vor dir wie du mit deiner Zecke umgehst und immer noch so positiv damit umgehst. Du wirst das Mistvieh bekämpfen. Alles liebe❤

  13. Madlen Fricke
    24. Mai 2017 / 03:36

    Hi Kim.

    Ich folge dir schon seit ein paar Jahren bei Instagram. Und ich muss sagen das ich dich echt liebe – virtuell gesehen selbstverständlich.
    Ich lese deine Beiträge mit grossen Interesse und das jeden Tag. Mehrmals am Tag sogar schaue ich ob es was neues gibt bei dir.
    Als ich Anfang des Jahres von deinem Schicksal erfahren habe hat mich das sehr mitgenommen. Mich hat das so sehr beschäftigt das ich vieles jetzt auch mit anderen Augen sehe. Und Arztbesuche ernster nehme.
    Aber du bist so unfassbar stark. Dein Blog ist so mega authentisch und ehrlich geschrieben.
    Es kommen wieder bessere Zeiten.
    Glaub an dich. Bekämpfe das Scheissvieh.

    Madlen

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