Das Leben. Wie kann etwas so schönes gleichzeitig so fies sein…?

Wir schreiben Mittwoch den 31.05.2017. Die Sonne scheint durch das Schlafzimmerfenster und kitzelt mich wach. Es ist kurz vor 9 Uhr. Wie immer greife ich als erstes zu meinem Handy (ja ich sage noch Handy und das wird auch immer so bleiben), öffne Instagram und mache einen kurzen Check was in meiner Lieblingsapp so abgeht. Ein Herzchen hier, ein Kommi da und dann das – ich stolpere über ein Profil einer jungen Mama die vor ein paar Tagen die schreckliche Diagnose Brustkrebs mit Metastasen in der Lunge und im Kopf erhalten hat… Mir stockt der Atem.

Die mitfühlend geschriebenen Texte unter ihren Fotos zerreißen mir das Herz. Ihre Worte sind die pure Angst und Verzweiflung – und ich kann mich soo gut in sie hineinversetzen. Von jetzt auf gleich fühle ich mich um 5 Monate zurückversetzt. Wie bei einer altmodischen Diashow, fangen die Bilder in meinem Kopf an vor meinem inneren Auge vorbeizuziehen. Ich sehe mich Zuhause, den Knoten in meiner Brust beim Duschen ertasten. Ich sehe mich panisch zum Frauenarzt laufen (und mit einem lächerlichen Hormon-Gel wieder Heim gehen, in dem Glauben es sei nur eine normale Zyste). Ich sehe mich in New York, allein und heulend im Krankenhausbett. Ich sehe mich in Hamburg im Krankenhaus von CT zu MRT gehen. Ich sehe mich zig (schmerzhafte) Untersuchungen über mich ergehen lassen um am Ende der Untersuchungen zu erfahren wie schwer krank ich wirklich bin.

Dieses Gefühl wenn dir der Boden unter den Füßen weggezogen wird. Wenn du wie in Trance da sitzt, die Wand anstarrst und gar nicht richtig zuhörst was die Ärzte zu dir sagen. Gut, dass meine Mama und beste Freundin da sind, um die wichtigsten Fakten aufzusaugen und diese Last mit mir zu teilen. Ich bin überzeugt, dass ich genau weiß, was diese junge Frau da gerade durchmacht, denn wir beide sitzen sowas von im selben Boot… Aber wir sind nicht allein. Es sitzen noch so viele Frauen mehr in diesem Boot. Es sind so viele, dass es schon fast ein bisschen kuschelig wird. Traurig, aber wahr.

Back to Reality

Nachdem ich mich gegen Mittag wieder gefangen habe, wird mir irgendwie klar, dass da draußen so unfassbar viele Menschen sind, die mit extrem schlimmen Schicksalsschlägen zu kämpfen haben und ich diese Gefühle wie Wut, Trauer, Fassungslosigkeit, Angst und dem ständigen sich selbst fragen warum ich? nur allzu gut nachvollziehen kann. Ich war schon immer ein sehr emphatischer Mensch und glaube auch in gewisser Weise daran, dass ich evtl. Hochsensibel sein könnte. Wie dem auch sei, mit diesem Artikel möchte ich euch Frauen da draußen erzählen, dass ich euch verstehe und inständig darum bitten, dass ihr für euch und eure Lieben kämpft und niemals aufgebt – ihr seid nicht allein.

Der Grund für diesen Beitrag ist, dass ich im Laufe des heutigen Tages eine wertvolle Erkenntnis gewonnen habe, die ich euch nicht vorenthalten möchte. Ich habe (mal wieder) erkannt, dass Zeit – nicht alle – aber viele Wunden heilt und dass das Leben in den dunkelsten Momenten auch Licht zu bieten hat.

Bitte lieber Gott – mach, dass ich die Prüfung bestanden habe…

Als ich heute von dieser jungen Frau und ihrem harten Schicksal erfuhr, war es für mich wie ein Schlag ins Gesicht. Diese Panik vor all dem was noch kommt und dieses unsagbar schmerzhafte Gefühl in der Luft zu hängen und nicht zu wissen wie es weitergeht, war auch für mich die absolut schlimmste Phase in meiner ganzen Krebsgeschichte. Im Verhältnis zu heute, wo es mir (u.a. wegen meiner Medikamente) verhältnismäßig gut geht, war die Anfangszeit wirklich der blanke Horror. Von jetzt auf gleich ändert sich ALLES. Du musst von Untersuchung zu Untersuchung gehen, teilweise weißt du gar nicht was da gerade überhaupt mit dir gemacht wird oder warum sie deinen Schädel per MRT untersuchen wollen. Allein die Worte Schädel und MRT… klingen (zumindest in meinen Ohr) wie der blanke Horror und total gefährlich. Innerlich zerfließt du vor Angst. Du hast Todesangst davor, dass sie irgendetwas finden und du es einfach nicht ändern kannst. Diese ganzen Untersuchungen und die Warterei machen dich wahnsinnig. Es fühlt sich so an, als hättest du deine Abiklausur geschrieben und als würdest du nun auf die Ergebnisse warten. Du versuchst cool zu bleiben aber innerlich schickst du stündliche Stoßgebete Richtung Himmel, dass du deine Prüfung bestanden hast.

Jedes Mal wenn eine Krankenschwester oder ein Arzt auf dem Krankenhausflur an dir vorbeigeht und dich höflich anlächelt, versuchst du dieses höfliche Lächeln NICHT zu interpretieren – um es dann trotzdem zu tun. „Oh Gott. Der Arzt hat bestimmt so nett gelächelt weil er deine Ergebnisse kennt und dir einfach etwas Frohsinn entgegenbringen will, bevor du gleich da rein musst um deine schlechten Diagnosen zu besprechen“. Natürlich ist dem nicht so. Der Arzt der gerade an mir vorbei ging, war aus der Chirurgie, hat rein gar nichts mit mir und meiner Akte zu tun und ist einfach nur freundlich. Und trotzdem bekam ich dieses lächerliche „Gesten deuten“ nicht aus mir heraus.

Zusammengefasst: die Stunden, Tage und Wochen die man mit notwendigen Untersuchungen, unnötigem deuten von Gesten und warten auf Ergebnisse und Diagnosen verbringt, sind die schlimmsten. Das Kopfkino hat mal wieder die gruseligsten Filme ausgepackt und spielt sie quasi in Dauerschleife.

Jetzt: 5 Monate, unzählige Spritzen (und ich habe eine riesen Nadel- und Blutphobie), 5 (von 8) Chemiekeulen aka Chemotherapie, Lymphdrainagen, Gespräche mit Ärzten, Schmerzen, Tränen, Sorgen und schlaflose Nächte später, kann ich sagen, dass es mit der Zeit besser wird und die anfängliche Todesangst und Panik etwas nachlässt. Denn, hat man erstmal einen Fahrplan und eine grobe Idee wie der Weg verläuft, entstehen automatisch Ziele für die man kämpft und die man unbedingt erreichen möchte. In meinem Fall ist das die Chemo Mitte Juli erfolgreich abzuschließen, ein anschließendes Staging mit guten Ergebnissen zu haben, die Brust zu amputieren um dann ein paar Monate später eine neue zu bekommen. Reha zu machen, meinen neuen Körper anzunehmen, in den Alltag zurückfinden und 2018 dann fresh zur Arbeit zurückzukehren #Zielesetzen #Meilensteineerreichen.

Selbstverständlich habe ich immer noch, jeden Tag aufs neue, große Sorgen und Angst, dass ich nie wieder gesund werde. Keine Kinder bekommen, nie wieder Sport machen oder Reisen gehen kann. Und, dass ich sterbe…

ABER es gibt eine Medizin, die hilft durch diese schwere Zeit zukommen – sie heißt: LIEBE

Lasst euch von euren Freunden ablenken, von eurer Familie aufbauen und von eurem Partner küssen, in Arm nehmen und kuscheln. Glaubt an die sehr weit fortgeschrittene Medizin und daran, dass sie alle das absolut Beste für euch wollen. Macht alle Untersuchungen mit, nehmt Therapien in Anspruch und tut Dinge die euch und eurer geschundenen Seele gut tun. Denn das alles, wird euch im Laufe eures Krankheitsverlaufs Widerfahren und angeboten werden. Ich weiß nicht, ob mir dieses Wissen und diese Worte am Anfang meiner Krebsgeschichte mit der blanken Panik in meinen Augen, auch nur irgendwie geholfen hätten, diese Reise ein ganz kleines bisschen „entspannter“ anzugehen. Aber ich will euch alle da draußen wissen lassen, dass es so ist und auch bei euch so kommen wird #versprochen.

Anzuerkennen, dass wenn wir schon so krank werden und diesen scheiß Krebs an den Hacken haben, zumindest in einem medizinisch gut entwickeltem Land wie Deutschland zu leben, hilft mir persönlich sehr, besser damit klarzukommen. Es hat mich dankbar und demütig gemacht, zu wissen, dass es mich auch hätte noch schlimmer treffen können. Dass ich jetzt auch auf einer steinharten Pritsche in einem armen Land auf einem zerfallenen Krankenhausflur liegen könnte. Ohne Zugang zu Schmerzmedikamenten oder der so oft lebensrettenden Chemotherapie. Es ist hart das zu schreiben, aber weil es eben nicht direkt vor unser eigenen Haustür passiert, können wir diese knallharte Realität mit einem einfachen Wimpernschlag „übersehen“ und uns weiter das tausendste aufblasbare Einhorn mit Cocktail in der Hand Bild auf Instagram ansehen #einfachnurtraurig #aberwahr.

Die Quintessenz dieses Textes soll euch – gesunden wie auch nicht gesunden Menschen – sagen, dass wenn euer Leben durch einen gemeinen Schicksalsschlag ins Schwanken gerät, es für einen Moment okay ist kein Licht am Ende des schier unendlichen Tunnels zu sehen und dass es ebenso okay ist, ängstlich und verzweifelt zu sein. Ihr aber niemals daran zweifeln dürft, dass die Menschen um euch rum nicht alles dafür tun euch wieder gesund zu machen. Das wichtigste ist aber niemals, und ich meine NIEMALS, den Glauben an euch selbst zu verlieren. Denn neben der Medizin und den vielen sehr guten Ärzten die uns, Gott sei Dank, in Deutschland (kostenlos) zur Seite stehen, haben wir noch eine weitere Sache die uns niemand nehmen kann: den Glauben an uns selbst und an Wunder – denn Wunder gibt es immer wieder.

Du und ich… wir werden Wunder sein.

142 Comments

  1. Hannah
    31. Mai 2017 / 21:17

    Sehr ehrliche und bewegende Worte! #duschaffstdas #undalleanderenauch

  2. Isabell
    31. Mai 2017 / 22:00

    Dein Text berührt mich sehr. Ich bewundere deine optimistische und positive Art und ich bin mir sicher, dass du damit vielen Kraft und Mut gibst,die in einer ähnlichen Situation sind.

  3. Dominika
    31. Mai 2017 / 22:33

    Liebe Kim, ein wirklich toller und sehr ehrlicher Artikel. Du findest die richtigen Worte und ich erkenne mich in vielen von deinen Beschreibungen wieder, vorallem die Nummer mit den „lächelnden“ Ärzten. Nach meiner Krebsdiagnose, aber noch bevor ich wusste wie weit der Mistkerl sich in meinem Körper breitgemacht hat, war ich auch ein Profi im „Arztgesichtlesen“. Ich kann es bist heute irgendwie nicht lassen…morgen ist es wieder so weit, da ist Nachsorge. Ich drücke dir für deine Therapie die Daumen und hoffe, dass deine Wünsche sich erfüllen und du im Juli fertig bist mit der Chemo.
    Liebe Grüße
    Dominika

  4. Nina
    31. Mai 2017 / 22:59

    Liebe Kim,
    ich folge dir jetzt schon eine ganze Weile. Auch schon vor deiner Diagnose und ich habe die ganze Zeit schon überlegt dir mal
    zu schreiben, aber da du wahrscheinlich so viele Nachrichten bekommst habe ich es immer gelassen.
    Nun ist es aber so weit, dass ich dir doch mal schreibe. 😉
    1. Mach bitte unbedingt weiter mit dem Schreiben, denn ich finde du hast echt Talent dafür 🙂
    2. Verlier bitte niemals deinen Optimismus. Ich weiß das es für jeden Menschen mal Momente gibt wo wir zusammenbrechen, aber die Message die du immer wieder versuchst zu vermitteln finde ich so wunderbar und ich ziehe echt meinen Hut vor dir wie du mit dieser Situation ungehst. Ich wäre dazu nicht in der Lage
    3. Ich wünsche dir und natürlich auch allen anderen das ihr diesen Scheiß besiegt und das wunderschöne Leben bekommt das ihr verdient habt! Denn sowas hat niemand verdient!
    #wundergibtesimmerwieder

  5. Ruth
    2. Juni 2017 / 16:51

    Toll geschrieben!

  6. 8. Juni 2017 / 22:31

    oh liebste Kimi. Wie immer herzzerreißend wundervoll. Du bist meine Lioness und ich weiß, du kannst alles schaffen. Ich liebe dich meine schönste beste Freundin <3

  7. 9. Juli 2017 / 16:58

    Liebe Kim,

    ich, 26, habe vor drei Wochen die Diagnose Brustkrebs erhalten. Es fing alles damit an, dass ich letzten Oktober im Urlaub mit meinem Freund einen große Knoten in der Brust ertastet habe. Ich war dreimal bei meiner Frauenärztin deswegen. Ultraschall war ohne Befund, es wurde über Zysten, falsche BHs und dergleichen gesprochen. Das Wort Krebs fiel dabei nie. Wieso auch? Niemand in meiner Familie hat Krebs. Die Alten nicht, die Raucher nicht, die Trinker nicht. Ich aber. Seit dem 21.06. Obwohl, wahrscheinlich schon viel länger, denn das mittlerweile golfballgroße Mistvieh ist ja immerhin schon im Oktober da gewesen.
    Die letzten Wochen waren genau so, wie du beschrieben hast, der blanke Horror. Täglich neue Ärzte, Untersuchungen, Gespräche. Dabei fühle ich mich fit wie selten, war ich doch vor 4 Wochen erst im anstrengenden Wanderurlaub. Das Kopfkino ist groß, die Angst, es nicht zu schaffen, keimt in dunklen Momenten immer wieder auf. Am schlimmsten dabei sind tatsächlich die Ärzte, die einen mitleidig ansehen oder anlächeln. Wissen die etwas, das ich nicht weiß? Tickt meine Uhr so laut und ich hör es als einzige nicht? Psyhoterror vom Feinsten, aber das kennst du ja alles selber. „Oh mein Gott, sie sind doch noch so jung“, wie oft hab ich das in den letzten Woche von medizinischem Fachpersonal gehört? Ja, das bin ich. Und alleine aus dem Grund jat dieser Mistkrebs so richtig einen auf den Deckel verdient. Fast genau so schlimm: die Angst der Mitmenschen. Leute reagieren erschrocken bei der Nachricht. Freunde und Familienmitglieder brechen plötzlich in Tränen aus, wissen nicht, was sie sagen sollen. Manche sagen einfach gar nichts mehr. Eine gruselige Situation.

    Ich hab mir so fest vorgenommen, es zu schaffen. Ans Aufgeben vermag ich nicht zu denken. Es gibt da draußen nämlich ein paar Leute, die fest auf mich zählen. Die mit mir rechnen, in 5, 10 und in 50 Jahren. Und alleine wegen denen ist alles hinwerfen und heulend in einer Ecke aufs bittere Ende warten absolut keine Alternative für mich.

    Zu sehen, dass auch Leute wie du genau so denken, tapfer und mutig sind und selbst in schweren Stunden ihren Humor nicht verlieren, berührt mich tief und macht mir unglaublich viel Mut. Danke dafür, liebe Kim. Du bist stark, mutig und strahlend schön. Und ich hoffe, dass auch ich das so gut hinbekommen kann, wie du.

    Bald beginnt die erste Chemo. Meine langen Haare hab ich mir aus freien Stücken bereits letzte Woche zu einer flotten Kurzhaarfrisur (die ich sehr liebe) abschneiden lassen. Meine Haare, meine Entscheidung, bevor das Mistvieh in meiner Brust sie mir nehmen kann. Kathi 1, Krebs 0 würde ich mal so sagen. Der Tumor bestimmt so schon genug. Alles, was ich ihm an Einfluss nehmen kann, werde ich ihm nehmen. Er wird mich schon um meinen mit viel Herzblut geplanten und viele Monate in Vorfreude erwarteten Afrikaurlaub bringen. Alleine dafür gehört das kleine A*schloch bei der Chemo mehr als verdroschen, das schwöre ich.

    Liebe Kim, danke für deine tollen Bilder und Texte, hier, auf Instagram und anderswo.
    Du machst mir Mut und gibts mir Hoffnung. Mach bitte weiter so!
    Ich wünsche dir von Herzen nur das aller Beste,

    Kathi

  8. Bianca
    10. Juli 2017 / 23:22

    Zufällig auf dein Profil gekommen.
    Deine Posts gelesen.
    Intensiv mitgefühlt und wissen, was das heißt.

    #bestrong. Go for it! Die größte Angst entsteht im Kopf. Du bist großartig- das was ich hier zumindest sehe- und du rockst das. Der Wille und liebe sind oft stärker als alles andere.

    Umarme dich unbekannter weise.

    xoxo
    B.

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