Ein neuer Abschnitt – warum ich eine Psychotherapie mache

42 Tage ist der große Einschnitt jetzt her. Seit dem ist viel passiert. Ich habe gelernt, die körperliche Veränderung anzunehmen und mich den Gegebenheiten zu stellen. Ich habe aber auch verstanden, dass diese Geschichte keine ist die ich allein meistern kann – und muss. Während den 8 Chemotherapien hab ich immer gefühlt und gesagt, dass ich keine psychische Unterstützung brauche, denn mein Social Medial Leben, das hier, ihr seid meine Psychiater. Ich kann mir meine Ängste, meine Sorgen und meinen Frust von der Seele schreiben und quatschen. Mittlerweile bin ich aber an einem Punkt angekommen, wo es nicht mehr weiter geht, wo ich nicht mehr weiter weiß. Kurz gesagt – diese verdammten Metastasen machen mir das Leben zur Hölle.

Meine Mama sagt, dass es ganz normal ist. Dass es jeder Frau mit Brustkrebs so geht. Erst hat man einen Haufen Untersuchungen, Behandlungen und Operationen, die dazu beitragen diese ungebetene Scheiße aus dem eigenen Körper zu verbannen und auf einmal – wenn die Behandlungen abgeschlossen und die Op’s gelaufen sind – nichts. Einfach nichts. Klar hat man hier und da noch seine Dinge die einem helfen, die Zecke im Zaum zu halten, aber so richtig weiter kommt man eben auch nicht. Es fühlt sich so an, als hätte ich die Liane verloren, an der ich mich all die Monate von Strohhalm zu Strohhalm gehangelt habe…

Wenn die Einsamkeit dich fertig macht

So richtig durchschaut habe ich meinen Kopf und meine Gefühle trotzdem nicht. Während der Chemotherapie hab ich mir gewünscht, dass all das endlich vorbei ist und ich mich nicht mehr mit Übelkeit, Kraftlosigkeit und den ganzen anderen Nebenwirkungen mich begleitet haben, herumschlagen muss. Jetzt, ein paar Wochen später, wünschte ich mir, auf meinem Behandlungsplan regelmäßige Termine zu sehen, die mich dabei unterstützen die Zeckenbabies zu töten. Ich sag ja, ich blick da selbst nicht mehr durch.

Ein anderer, aber nicht wenig beeinträchtigender Punkt auf meiner Depri Liste: Einsamkeit.

Ein paar aufmerksame Leser mögen es vielleicht über Instagram mitbekommen haben. Mein engster Vertrauter, mein bester Freund, mein Partner in Crime, war die letzten 5 Monate arbeitslos. Damals kam die Botschaft aus heiterem Himmel, eine Welt ist für uns beide zusammengebrochen. Wie soll das werden? Er und ich, Tag für Tag aufeinanderhockend in unserer 55 qm Bude? Ich sah das Drama schon kommen… Aber, und ich kann es selbst kaum glauben, dass ich das sage – diese Kündigung war das Beste was uns beiden passieren konnte und wir sind uns tatsächlich zu 95% nicht auf die Nerven gegangen. Es gab keine großen Streits, höchstens mal ne Diskussion, die dann aber auch schnell wieder abgehakt war. Klar hatten wir mit Existenzängsten und Zukunftsängsten zu kämpfen, mussten jeden Cent zwei Mal umdrehen und mein Chris hatte sicherlich auch das ein oder andere dunkelgraue Tief, aber so rückblickend gesehen, müssen wir beide sagen, dass das Schicksal es so gewollt hat. Im Endeffekt sollte es so sein, denn ganz egoistisch betrachtet, hatte ich 24/7 jemanden an meiner Seite. Jemand der mich nicht nur jeden Tag bekocht hat, sondern jemand der mich zu allen Terminen begleitete, die Einkäufe erledigte, mich auffing wenn ich mal wieder in ein Loch zu fallen drohte und mich vor allem, wieder aufbaute wenn mein Himmel mal wieder voller schwarzer Wolken hing und ich nichts wollte außer 5 Tage nicht duschen, die Decke bis zum Glatzenansatz ziehen und meine Zukunft schwarz malen… im Großen und Ganzen waren wir einfach füreinander da, haben uns gegenseitig unterstützt und aufgebaut. Wir haben an einem Strang gezogen und unsere Gedanken wieder in die richtige Richtung justiert.

Heute ist mein Freund die zweite Woche im neuen Job. Seine Ausdauer hat sich ausgezahlt. 100 Bewerbungen, 20 Vorstellungsgespräche und ein bisschen Glück später, arbeitet er wieder und wir beide wissen, dass es genau so kommen sollte. Seine Welt dreht sich wieder. Im richtigen Tempo, im richten Rhythmus. Jetzt muss nur noch ich es schaffen wieder gerade vor zu kommen, das letzte Dreivierteljahr hinter mir zu lassen und nach vorn zu schauen. Gar nicht so easy wenn man auf einmal wieder allein zuhause sitzt, den Blättern an den Bäumen beim Farbe wechseln zuschauen kann und man seine Liane nicht wiederfindet.

Es tut mir überhaupt nicht gut jeden Tag allein zu sein und keine Aufgabe zu haben. Nichts an dem du arbeiten kannst. Niemand der dich liebevoll aus dem Bett schubst wenn du schon wieder bis 11 Uhr einfach nur so da liegst und vor allem niemand da, der den dunklen Wolkenvorhang beiseite schiebt und deine bösesten Ängste die zu nicht enden wollenden Gedankengängen werden, mit einer festen Umarmung, wie eine große Kaugummiblase zerplatzen lässt.

Den Blick nach vorn gerichtet

Für mich ist ganz klar, will ich aus dieser fast depressiven Angstspirale ausbrechen, muss ich etwas ändern und an mir arbeiten. Kein Mensch sollte – weder mit 30, noch mit 50, einfach nie (!) – permanent an seine eigene Beerdigung denken müssen und sich fragen wie die geliebten Hinterbliebenen wohl damit klarkommen würden… das ist einfach auf so vielen Ebenen vergeudete Kraft, die sich jeder Mensch, in dem Falle ich, für all die schönen Pläne, Wünsche und Momente aufsparen sollte. Und genau deswegen, habe ich beschlossen mir professionelle Hilfe zu holen. Da ich ganz tief im Innersten, einfach immer positiv eingestellt war und bin, werde ich auch diese Hürde abstecken und mit Hilfe eines Psychotherapeuten bewältigen – um endlich und seit langer, langer Zeit wieder ehrliche und aufrichtige Freude in meinem Herzen zu spüren und diese beschissenen Todesängste am Kragen zu packen und sie auf lange Sicht aus meinem Köpfchen zu verbannen, um mein Leben endlich wieder genießen zu können.

An alle Kämpfer und Kämpferrinnen da draußen: Keep your head up – keep your heart strong!

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226 Comments

  1. 25. Oktober 2017 / 21:56

    Ich wünsche dir nur das Allerallerbeste! Drück dir wirklich ganz fest die Daumen, dass du bald gesund wirst körperlich sowie psychisch! Du bist so stark und deshalb weiß ich, dass du es schaffen wirst!

    Alles Liebe, Ines

    • Kim
      25. Oktober 2017 / 21:57

      Dankeschön liebe Ins 🙂

  2. 25. Oktober 2017 / 23:05

    Liebe Kim,
    es ist überhaupt nichts verwerfliches an deiner Psychotherapie. Es ist alles erlaubt, was dir gut tut. Und mamchmal hilft es einfach, jemanden Aussenstehenden zu haben, dem man hemmungslos das Herz ausschütten kann wenn man die Liebsten nicht belasten möchte. Der einem zeigt, dass der Himmel immer blau ist, auch wenn man ihn vor lauter grauer Wolken nicht sehen kann und der einem hemmungslos den Kopf grade rückt, wenn das Kopfkino mal wieder Achterbahn fährt.

    Das, was du mitmachst, ist eine absolute Ausnahmesituation für dich, deinen Körper, deine Psyche. Damit sollte niemand alleine fertig werden müssen.

    Auch ich hab mir zu solchen Zwecken eine Psychoonkologin gegönnt. Einfach so, weil es mir gut tut, mit ihr zu quatschen und mir neue Sichtweisen von jemandem zu holen, der schon viele Krebspatienten gesehen hat.

    Bleib tapfer, liebe Kim. Du machst das großartig!

  3. Julia
    25. Oktober 2017 / 23:13

    Liebe Kim, ich verstehe deine Worte so gut. Die große Leere die sich nach der langen Zeit des Kämpfens und des immer auf neue Katastrophen reagieren einstellt. Ich habe das vor 6 und vor 4 Jahren ähnlich erlebt.
    Geb dir Zeit.
    Mir hat Sport geholfen. Und viele Tränen musste ich loswerden.
    Heute fühle ich mich meistens gut- aber die Verwundbarkeit bleibt immer ein bisschen. Man ist nicht mehr die Person die man früher war. Aber heute weiß ich dass ich auch nicht mehr das“ vorher“ zurückmöchte.
    Ich schicke dir in Gedanken ganz viel Kraft.
    Alles Gute für dich Julia

  4. Katharina
    25. Oktober 2017 / 23:45

    Wie „schön“ du das geschrieben hast. Mir lief eine Gänsehaut und ich bin zu Tränen gerührt. Man kann sich so gut in dich hineinversetzen, wie es dir jetzt wohl gehen mag.
    Aber, ich folge dir nun schon seit einiger Zeit auf Instagram und weiß, dass du eine Kämpferin, eine Löwin bist und auch diese Hürde meistern wirst. Man muss und kann nicht alles allein im Leben meistern – deine Entscheidung ist absolut richtig.

    Ich wünsche dir vom Herzen, dass du bald wieder ehrliche Freude empfinden kannst.
    Alles erdenklich Gute auf deinem weiteren Weg – du schaffst das, da bin ich mir sicher!

    Liebe Grüße Katharina

  5. Anne
    25. Oktober 2017 / 23:52

    Liebe Kim,
    ein sehr schön geschriebener, wenn auch trauriger Beitrag!
    Ich habe Tränen in den Augen und es tut mir so unglaublich Leid, dass du diese Erfahrungen machen musst. Es sollte niemandem so ergehen. Leider weiß ich aus meinen Erfahrungen als Krankenschwester aber , dass das Leben oftmals ein Arschloch ist und es nicht gut mit einigen Menschen meint.
    Ich kann gut nachvollziehen, warum es dir aktuell so ergeht und ich finde es genau richtig, dass du dir Hilfe geholt hast. Du bist eine Löwin,absolut, aber auch eine Löwin darf sich Unterstützung und Hilfe suchen, um neue Stärke zu erlangen !!
    Deine Liane ist nicht verschwunden, sondern es ist im Moment einfach nur etwas nebelig, sodass du sie nicht siehst, aber der Nebel wird sich lichten und die Sonnenstrahlen werden wieder einfallen!
    Anne ♥️

  6. Patricia
    26. Oktober 2017 / 07:08

    So viel Liebe in deinen Blog, man merkt genau wie du und Chris zusammenpassen, wie ihr euch gegenseitig unterstützt und wie ihr einfach füreinander da seid. Nach monatelangem „nie allein sein“ kann ich es verstehen, das du eine Psychotherapie machst. Aber das wird schon 🙂 Viel Glück dir und Chris weiterhin, ihr seid wundervoll
    Patricia

  7. Kristin
    26. Oktober 2017 / 07:59

    Bist du denn jetzt offiziell gesund? Wann darfst du denn langsam wieder ins Büro? Psychotherapie hätte ich auch schon. Habe jedes Mal geheult, aber das muss raus! Ich umarme dich, liebe Kim!!

  8. Xenia
    26. Oktober 2017 / 12:33

    Ich glaube das ist wirklich normal. Ich habe vor 6 Monaten meine Immuntherapie abgeschlossen und habe innerlich gejubelt als sie mir die Nadel aus dem Arm gezogen haben und klar war, dass ich nach zwei Jahren zum ersten Mal drei Monate Pause von Arzt- und Klinikterminen haben werde …

    … und dann habe ich festgestellt, dass mein altes Leben natürlich nicht auf mich gewartet hat, dass ich auch nicht mehr die alte bin und, dass es überhaupt ziemlich stressig ist einfach nur darauf zu warten, dass die MRTs in 3 Monaten gut ausfallen werden. Aber es wird einfacher.

  9. A.
    26. Oktober 2017 / 13:39

    Eine Krebserkrankung ist ein körperliches, aber auch psychologisches Trauma. Es geht nun einmal um Leben oder Tod. Und das geht an niemandem spurlos vorbei. Einige Krebszentren arbeiten über die gesamte Behandlungsdauer eng mit Psychoonkologen zusammen, aber leider noch nicht alle. Ich würde Dir unbedingt empfehlen nach einem Therapeuten zu suchen, der auf Krebspatienten spezialisiert ist. Ich habe große Hochachtung vor Deiner Art die Dinge anzupacken und Probleme anzugehen. Du machst das genau richtig!

  10. Susanne
    26. Oktober 2017 / 14:07

    Liebe Kim,
    danke für deine mal wieder offenen und ehrlichen Worte. Du meisterst das alles so gut. Und es ist absolut nicht falsch sich Hilfe zu holen. Im Gegenteil: keine Hilfe anzunehmen wenn man sie dringend braucht wäre falsch. Es ist gut, dass es die Möglichkeiten bei uns gibt, und wichtig und richtig das du sie annimmst. Ich kann mir gut vorstellen, dass es schwer ist pötzlich den Alltag wieder alleine gestalten zu müssen. Im Nachhinnein sollte es aber wohl so sein, dass Chris genau da seinen Job verloren hat. So ist es ganz oft. Meist ist alles so wie es kommt für irgendetwas gut.
    Ach Mensch, ich hoffe und wünsche dir, dass dir die Therapie hilft besser mit deiner Situation und allem klar zu kommen. Sei lieb gegrüßt
    Susanne

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  200. 11. Dezember 2018 / 00:13

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